Recognizing Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence

By Julia Pferdehirt, Executive Team Member

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  The numbers are shocking. Yet, people who have not personally experienced domestic violence are often unaware of the extent of this world-wide, cross-cultural, often gender-based problem.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

  • 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe domestic or intimate partner violence.

  • 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience physical violence by an intimate partner. Behaviors vary (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing), and in some cases, might not be recognized as "domestic violence." 

  • 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.

  • 1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner.

  • Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.

  • 19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.

  • Women between 18–24 are the most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

  • The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

  • Only 34% of people injured by intimate partners receive medical care.

Domestic violence (DV) or intimate partner violence (IPV) comes in diverse forms and is found in every cultural, racial, ethnic, and socio-economic group. Examples are everywhere:

After an argument, J’s partner once forced her and the children from the car, leaving them to walk home nearly a mile in a negative-30 degree winter storm.

B’s boyfriend offered to add her to his cell phone plan. “It’ll save you so much money,” he said. When he began to track her every movement and monitor phone and internet activity 24/7, he said, “It’s because I love you so much.” 

MK’s new husband made decisions without talking with her. At first, he monitored her grocery shopping. Soon, he reviewed the purchases and demanded explanations for the cost of items.
By the time they had been married a few years, she was expected to get approval for every purchase—clothing, supplies, or even a coffee with a friend. She felt like a child instead of an adult partner.

M woke bruised and disoriented. The last memory of the previous night was her husband pouring wine for her. The idea that he would drug her seemed impossible. Until it happened again. And again. M went to her pastor for help. Her pastor invited her husband to their meeting without her knowledge.  The husband called her “hysterical” and “insane.”  The pastor told her to be more sexually available.

Jen’s friend R. became increasingly isolated. At first, she was anxious and cut coffee dates short saying, “I’ve got to go. John doesn’t like it when I’m late.” Jen noticed John called R a LOT. In time, Jen rarely saw her friend. One Saturday, Jen spied her at the mall.  R engulfed her in a crushing hug. “I’ve missed you so much,” she said. Jen saw tears on her friend’s face. Minutes later, John approached. R’s body stiffened. “I can’t talk,” she whispered, “Gotta go.”

DV and IPV occur in every community. How do caring friends or family recognize the signs in others’ lives? By being aware of patterns like:

  • Control: when one partner controls decisions, relationships, time, money and daily life of the other

  • Fear: one partner seems afraid to act on their own, afraid of disagreeing or disobeying the other

  • Isolation: withdrawal from relationships, being monitored, having to “check in”

  • Physical signs: bruises, long sleeves or turtlenecks in all weather, injuries dismissed as “I fell” or “I’m just clumsy”

  • Emotional distress: appears sad, weepy, or depressed; personality seems to change

  • Disclosing: hints that “things are not good” or “he’s/she’s got a temper;” person says they are being hurt or harmed and asks you to keep their “secret” 

How do caring friends or family help?

  • Believe the victim

  • Listen. “I’m here. I care. I believe you.”

  • Ask: “Are you safe right now? How can I help?”

    • What do you need right now?

  • Affirm: “It’s your decision. I will support you.”

  • Notice: "I noticed _________ happened. That is abuse. I am concerned about your safety."

  • Offer: “Here is the number for the Domestic Violence shelter. If you decide that’s what you need, I will go with you.” Or, “You always have a safe place at my home. Anytime.”

Survivors of DV say having someone who believed and supported them helped. Often, leaving takes time. Survivors have spent years being told what to do and forced to comply. Being believed and supported reminds a survivor that they can act to protect themselves and they aren’t powerless.

Awareness of DV and IPV can save a life. You might be the one, informed person who believes a victim and helps them become a survivor. Thank you for taking the time to learn more.

Get more information about DV and IPV at your community domestic violence shelter. In the Bay Area, that’s:

San Francisco

  • La Casa de las Madres, (877)-503-1850

  • W.O.M.A.N. Inc, (415)-864-4777

  • A Safe Place 24-Hour Resource Line, (510)-5367233

Oakland

  • Family Violence Law Center, (800)-947-8301

  • CORA, 1-800-300-1080

  • Ruby’s Place, (888)-339-7233

Peninsula

  • Shalom Bayit for Jewish Women, (866)-SHALOM-7 or (510)-845-SAFE

Or you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800)-799-SAFE.

Because Justice Matters